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The Art of Taking a Pee....A Man Thing
(Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused
that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare
for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start
to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a
mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are
being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss
all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm
telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee
like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me
that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more
time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the
toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I
have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be
candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.
It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a
penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you
can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy
toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin'
toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up
the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me
up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to
stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK,
so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and
without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to
delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't
bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I
tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could
manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of
the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees
and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma
is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are
sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times
when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!
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